Consultation at Cedars

Dear friends,

We returned yesterday evening from L.A. exhausted and emotionally spent. We left at 6 a.m. for our 9:30 appointment with the oncologist who is an expert on sarcomas. He was a nice, matter-of-fact doctor who took his time with us. He went through the CT scan images with us and we looked at the lungs together. There are two masses in the right lung, one 6 cm and the other 3 cm or so and there may be some other spots as well. Forscher thinks it is likely to be the sarcoma. However, neither of those areas in the lungs are the cause for the pain that I have going down my right arm and in my right shoulder blade. So, we looked at the CT scan of the neck and that is where he grew concerned because there is a mass adjacent to my spine, at the bottom of the cervical spine and that is what is pressing into the nerves that go down my arm. When he saw that, he decided that I should go to see a spine surgeon immediately -- he asked if there were any in San Diego that we wanted to consult, but we replied that we didn't have anyone, so he has set us up with an appointment on Monday with a spine surgeon at Cedars Sinai, Patrick Johnson. He feels that the spine is higher priority because of the nearness of the mass, whatever it is, to the spinal column. When I asked him about whether they would first biopsy it, he replied that if they wanted to determine what it was, it would make more sense to biopsy from the lungs because there is more "room" there, but this close to the spine, it doesn't make sense to biopsy. It sounded plausible when he said it but I'm not sure that I fully understand. Couldn't the lung mass and the spine mass be different things? What if it is not a sarcoma? He said that he thinks it is most likely that they are the same thing and probably a sarcoma, but at any rate, I should see the spine surgeon to get his opinion. If the surgeon says that the mass on the back is not an immediate concern, then we will talk again about the next step, which might be a biopsy of the mass in the lungs.

But how likely is that? How likely is it that a surgeon will say that he doesn't need to cut? The thought of this meeting on Monday scares me. I am already in considerable pain -- if we do nothing, will the pain increase? Will the mass invade my spinal column? Hazy recollections of biology remind me that the spine is THE crucial fixture of the body. If they do surgery, would that damage my spine? Could I end up paralyzed? If they were to remove the mass, might they damage the nerves and then this pain that wracks my arm might become a permanent feature of my life?

Fear has me in a vise like grip. As untenable as the current situation is, I want to hold on to it because the future might be much worse. Your e-mails and comments buoyed me so much yesterday as I waited for the appointment. Today, I read them and wonder if they are for some other Radhika -- I can't find a scrap of the courage that you credit me with. If this were a battle with a real adversary, I would just lay down my arms and give up because the thought of fighting feels so exhausting at this point. Why does it take so much courage to just live? And where has mine gone .........?

I remember waking up after my first surgery, with my face swollen, my mouth was wired shut, my leg bandaged, a hole in my chest to help me breathe and my body hooked to an IV and a feeding tube. I had had so much fear going into that surgery, but I was also so naive -- I had no idea what I was going to wake up to. No description that the doctors gave could ever have conveyed to me what it was that my body would experience.... I remember this same feeling of helplessness then. But somehow, through the haze of morphine and pain, I remember something inside me took over. Firmly but kindly ignoring my self pity and tears, something made me get up and insist on walking. This part of me was determined that I should live and heal and to it, the doctors' words and my own fears were completely irrelevant.

I had no idea I had such courage or strength but now I know from that experience, that there is inside me something that will support me when I hit that lowest point.

So, I am hopeful that I will get over this fear. I am hopeful that my courage will return. In the meantime, I will let myself be strengthened by those that love me. I am so grateful to André, for his love and kindness. He drove me to L.A., held my hand as we talked to the doctor, and comforted me as I sobbed. I know that he will stand by me through all of this, and that is a comforting thought. And I am so fortunate to have wonderful friends -- all of you who wrote and told me that you care, that you will hold me in your thoughts and send me your prayers. I deeply appreciate that. My mind seems to love to throw pity parties and drag me to a place where I feel that I am alone and isolated --- I read your e-mails then and reassure myself that I am not. So, thank you for your words and support. They mean a great deal to me.

This weekend, I intend to just BE. While André focuses on getting ready for his classes, I will try to stay in the present moment and not let my mind paint horror pictures of the future nor drag me back to the past. Mira will help me with that -- a six year old has such a keen appreciation of the present.

Monday will come soon enough and I hope that my courage will return by then.